3 tips to deal with your inner critic

Why do we tend to be so hard on ourselves?

Is it our perfectionism? Is it fear of failing? Or is it because we’re trying to please everyone? Maybe it´s all of the above or something completely different for you. Whatever it is though, I know one thing for sure: we need to drop the high expectations we place on ourselves and start having more self-compassion.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying we shouldn’t strive to accomplish things. We do need to be able to forgive ourselves though when we don’t messure up to the (often too) high standards we set for ourselves.

We’re all human and part of being human is that we make mistakes.

I think what really matters is that we take responsibility for our actions, apologise to people we might have upset with our behaviour and take it as an opportunity to learn, so we can do better next time.

We have a chance to show others that no one is perfect. We also show them what they can do when they make a mistake.

For example, what would you like your child to do when they make a mistake? Would you want them to beat themselves up and feel like a failure? Or would you want them to own their mistakes and apologise? I know which one I’d choose…. We know that our children will make mistakes and even though we don’t necessarily like it, we accept and even expect it to some degree. But as adults we struggle to extend the same courtesy to ourselves.

We aim to be gentle and caring with children, but when it comes to ourselves, we seem to forget that being compassionate includes having compassion for ourselves.

Even when we feel overwhelmed and exhausted, we expect us to be the perfect mother, wife, daughter, friend etc…

We always expect us to have it together and I call BS on that! Having those sorts of expectations only sets us up for failure and it´s time for us to be more realistic. It’s time to give ourselves a break!

You won’t be able to be everything to everyone ALL THE TIME. And that’s ok! I know that you’re giving your best every day and that’s more than enough! Your “best” doesn’t have to look the same every day. Some days you’ll be super productive, supportive, caring and all the things. Other days you won’t. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I know from my own experience as well as from coaching other women that we can really struggle with self-compassion and putting lots of pressure on ourselves. I want to change that! That’s why I’m going to share three tips to help you dial down your own expectations and instead be more compassionate with yourself.

Here they are:

1. Stop judging others

This might sound like an odd first step to start being more compassionate with yourself. BUT let me tell you: How you judge others is how you judge yourself. What that means is that the judgement you place on other people is often an extension of your self-judgement. Next time you catch yourself judging someone ask yourself “Do I have this same behaviour or attitude that I judge within myself in some shape or form? Or would I like to be a bit more like them in a way?” If the answer to one of those questions is yes, then that’s something you can explore further for yourself, which in return can help you to become more accepting not just of others but also of yourself.

2. Laugh about your mistakes

I’m serious about this! In order to let go of perfectionism, it’s necessary to remind ourselves that EVERYONE makes mistakes, including us. Once you can truly accept this fact, you’ll start seeing mistakes for what they are: an opportunity to learn.

Laughter can help you to deal with the initial embarrassment, disbelief or whatever emotion might come up at the time. Laughter is the best medicine, because it instantly shifts your mood and helps you to release stress and tension. Plus, it’s contagious and it might shift someone else´s mood as well when you´re able to laugh about yourself. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Nobody is perfect!

3. Write yourself a love note

This might feel a bit awkward at first but trust me it’s a great way to remind yourself how awesome you actually are! Start with writing down “[Your first name], you are amazing, because …” and then write down things you appreciate about yourself. I understand that this might feel weird, especially if your self-talk is usually quite negative. But give it a go anyway. It’s not about getting it perfect. Just write down a few positive things about yourself - no matter how big or small they are.

Once you’re done, put the note somewhere where you’ll see it regularly. You could put it in your planner, your wallet or take a photo of it and have it as your screensaver on your phone, whatever works best for you. The more you’ll see it the better. Also, if you can´t think of many things to write, you’ll possibly come up with more things over time. It can be a slow process, but it’s a powerful one to change your negative self-talk. Trust me!

I hope those 3 tips help you to have more compassion for yourself.

Depending on how strong your negative self-talk is right now, this process might take time. Be patient with yourself and keep using those tips to make positive changes in your life.

You deserve to be treated kindly – not just by others but also by yourself!

Much love,

PS: If you feel like you have a long way to go to become more compassionate towards and accepting of yourself, feel free to send me an email at cindy@cindygrahamschmidt.com to have a chat about how I can help you.

5 tips to help you get anything done when feeling tired and exhausted

Constant sleep deprivation was one of the biggest issues I dealt with as a new mum. My daughter woke multiple times each night for more than three years. It was exhausting to say the least, but I also learned a lot in that time. I discovered some helpful tools that helped me to get things done even though I was so sleep deprived.

I’m going to share some of those tools with you here:

Stop & breathe

When you feel overwhelmed and frustrated, stop whatever you’re doing and take (at least!) three deep belly breaths. Let the air coming in through your nose fully fill your lungs. It’ll help you feel less stressed immediately. It can also help you to let go of distracting thoughts and therefore better focus on what you’re doing right in this moment.

Only this in this moment

A phrase that I picked up from one of the programs of Happy Mama with Amy Taylor-Kabbaz is “Only this in this moment”. It helps me immensely to be more mindful. Just like deep belly breathing, it helps me to focus and brings me right back into the present moment.

I used to be a huge fan of multi-tasking in the past, but over time I learned to let go of that. I’m actually more productive now, when I only focus on one thing at a time. Admittedly, it took some time and practice to be able to catch myself when I was just drifting through the day mindlessly, but it got easier the more I practiced mindfulness.

What do you really need to get done today?

Now that I have shared a couple of things to help you focus and relax when it all seems a bit much, let’s talk about a more “hands on” approach. Every evening I pick three things for the next day that I need to get done. Those can be small things (e.g. putting on a load of washing or sending a quick email), big things (e.g. meal prep and batch cooking), or a combination of small and big tasks.

Focus on getting those three tasks done before you start working on anything else. Once you crossed all three things of your list, you’ll likely feel a sense of accomplishment. And if you get more than three things done at the end of the day? Look at you go! Give yourself a pat on the back.

Side note: There will be other days where you’ll struggle to even get through your list of things. (Fellow mamas, I know you know what I’m talking about!) That’s ok. I have those days too! Tomorrow is a new day. Deep breaths - you’ve got this!

Get help and don’t feel guilty about it

Even if (like me in the past) you don’t live near any family, you can still get yourself some help. For example you could order your groceries online and get them delivered to your doorstep or you could hire a cleaner once or twice a month. I understand it might feel like a waste of money (I certainly felt like that at first!), but don’t underestimate the peace of mind this can give you, which is absolutely priceless. So if you constantly find yourself worrying about household tasks, think about ways you can get help and take some pressure of yourself.

Be gentle with yourself

I believe one of the most important tips I can share with you on this topic is: Take care of yourself and listen to your body! If it tells you to rest, get some rest and ask for help, if possible. This might feel hard and challenging, but burning yourself out isn’t going to help anyone. Please prioritise rest as much as you can.

Your to-do list will still be there tomorrow and an early bedtime isn’t just beneficial for little ones.

Your health is your wealth! 💜

Much love

Self-care isn’t selfish – Why you need to stop putting yourself last.

I felt so energised and inspired after an initial consult with a new client yesterday, because I love seeing it when a new mum is willing and able to make herself a priority while also taking incredible care of her baby. I believe that this is a great way to start the journey of motherhood.

I know from my own experience that it’s all too easy to put yourself last when you have a little human that relies on you completely day and night. We seem to forget or simply ignore that it’s important to meet our own needs as well. I thought I’d share with you why this isn’t a good idea and what you can do about it - even as a full-time mama.

Take care of yourself NOW

As a mama you need to be able to show up every single day and that’s so much harder when your tank is nearly empty. You might be already painfully aware of this and yet you struggle to do anything for yourself. If that’s the case for you, ask yourself: How am I going to show up for my child when my patience is thin or non-existent? Who’d look after my little one if my body were to shut down due to exhaustion?

I know you’re strong, mama, and it’ll take a while for your tank to be completely empty. However, when it does happen, you simply won’t be able to give anything to anyone anymore. I don’t want this to happen to you and I think it’s safe to say that you don’t want that either.

So tell me, mama, are you willing to make some small changes to raise your overall energy level and improve your ability to get through the day?

Yes, you don’t have much time and you’re tired. The last thing you want is to add even more to your to-do list. I totally get that, but I believe that even you can find a few minutes a day to incorporate some self-care.

There’s so much you can do for yourself even with little time

It’s a lot easier to incorporate a little bit of self-care every day than having to build yourself back up after a complete breakdown.

So please, don’t wait until it’s too late! Don’t wait until you’re completely exhausted and feel resentful! Don’t wait until you lash out at your partner, because you feel like you have nothing left to give!

Take care of yourself today. Be proactive instead of reactive. It’ll allow you to be the mama you want to be instead of feeling drained and like you have zero patience with everyone around you.

Self-care can help you to create a life that you don’t feel the need to escape from. It can be all about the small things, like reaching out to a friend via text, having a nap with your little one, going for a walk, saying no to feeling guilty, or letting go of any tension in your body. You see, it’s not just about spa days and massages. Many things can be considered self-care when done intentionally and mindfully.

What if you’d recharge yourself as often as you recharge your phone, mama?

Much love,