Why do we tend to be so hard on ourselves?
Is it our perfectionism? Is it fear of failing? Or is it because we’re trying to please everyone? Maybe it´s all of the above or something completely different for you. Whatever it is though, I know one thing for sure: we need to drop the high expectations we place on ourselves and start having more self-compassion.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying we shouldn’t strive to accomplish things. We do need to be able to forgive ourselves though when we don’t messure up to the (often too) high standards we set for ourselves.
We’re all human and part of being human is that we make mistakes.
I think what really matters is that we take responsibility for our actions, apologise to people we might have upset with our behaviour and take it as an opportunity to learn, so we can do better next time.
We have a chance to show others that no one is perfect. We also show them what they can do when they make a mistake.
For example, what would you like your child to do when they make a mistake? Would you want them to beat themselves up and feel like a failure? Or would you want them to own their mistakes and apologise? I know which one I’d choose…. We know that our children will make mistakes and even though we don’t necessarily like it, we accept and even expect it to some degree. But as adults we struggle to extend the same courtesy to ourselves.
We aim to be gentle and caring with children, but when it comes to ourselves, we seem to forget that being compassionate includes having compassion for ourselves.
Even when we feel overwhelmed and exhausted, we expect us to be the perfect mother, wife, daughter, friend etc…
We always expect us to have it together and I call BS on that! Having those sorts of expectations only sets us up for failure and it´s time for us to be more realistic. It’s time to give ourselves a break!
You won’t be able to be everything to everyone ALL THE TIME. And that’s ok! I know that you’re giving your best every day and that’s more than enough! Your “best” doesn’t have to look the same every day. Some days you’ll be super productive, supportive, caring and all the things. Other days you won’t. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
I know from my own experience as well as from coaching other women that we can really struggle with self-compassion and putting lots of pressure on ourselves. I want to change that! That’s why I’m going to share three tips to help you dial down your own expectations and instead be more compassionate with yourself.
Here they are:
1. Stop judging others
This might sound like an odd first step to start being more compassionate with yourself. BUT let me tell you: How you judge others is how you judge yourself. What that means is that the judgement you place on other people is often an extension of your self-judgement. Next time you catch yourself judging someone ask yourself “Do I have this same behaviour or attitude that I judge within myself in some shape or form? Or would I like to be a bit more like them in a way?” If the answer to one of those questions is yes, then that’s something you can explore further for yourself, which in return can help you to become more accepting not just of others but also of yourself.
2. Laugh about your mistakes
I’m serious about this! In order to let go of perfectionism, it’s necessary to remind ourselves that EVERYONE makes mistakes, including us. Once you can truly accept this fact, you’ll start seeing mistakes for what they are: an opportunity to learn.
Laughter can help you to deal with the initial embarrassment, disbelief or whatever emotion might come up at the time. Laughter is the best medicine, because it instantly shifts your mood and helps you to release stress and tension. Plus, it’s contagious and it might shift someone else´s mood as well when you´re able to laugh about yourself. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Nobody is perfect!
3. Write yourself a love note
This might feel a bit awkward at first but trust me it’s a great way to remind yourself how awesome you actually are! Start with writing down “[Your first name], you are amazing, because …” and then write down things you appreciate about yourself. I understand that this might feel weird, especially if your self-talk is usually quite negative. But give it a go anyway. It’s not about getting it perfect. Just write down a few positive things about yourself - no matter how big or small they are.
Once you’re done, put the note somewhere where you’ll see it regularly. You could put it in your planner, your wallet or take a photo of it and have it as your screensaver on your phone, whatever works best for you. The more you’ll see it the better. Also, if you can´t think of many things to write, you’ll possibly come up with more things over time. It can be a slow process, but it’s a powerful one to change your negative self-talk. Trust me!
I hope those 3 tips help you to have more compassion for yourself.
Depending on how strong your negative self-talk is right now, this process might take time. Be patient with yourself and keep using those tips to make positive changes in your life.
You deserve to be treated kindly – not just by others but also by yourself!
Much love,
PS: If you feel like you have a long way to go to become more compassionate towards and accepting of yourself, feel free to send me an email at cindy@cindygrahamschmidt.com to have a chat about how I can help you.